What up?

It's been a long time since I've written again.



Last week was like my unofficial vacation, first randomly going to Pittsburgh, then my oldest bro being in town and then the holidays...It was amazing, but also tiring.



Now, I'm looking for jobs again...there's been no luck there and I see New Zealand drifting farther and farther away with each week that passes unfruitfully.



*sigh* I just can't really write about anything right now. Back to the job search...

Wrong side of the world?

So today I woke up on the wrong side of the world. Philosophically and literally. I wasn't mad or angry or anything. Just down. I kept trying to boost myself up on fun times with my mom and my sis and at the NEO360 worship tonight, and I felt good, but in my heart I feel totally down. Yes, I have no idea when or if I'll be going to New Zealand (hence the other side of the world), and I have no direction in my life, and I feel sad.

So pray for me.

Happy birthday, Mum!

Today is my mom's birthday. She is quite definitely the most amazing person I have ever known!! Okay. Okay. I admit, I am a bit biased, but she is truly a wonderful person!!

She has been such a wonderful encouragement in my life and it's through her that I was able to see Jesus. She's worked hard as a single mom (my parents separated then divorce when I was 10) and she has always been there for me. Even during my horrible, depressed, rebellious teen years. I was quite horrid but she was always praying for me and trying to help me. I'm so thankful for her. We never had much money growing up yet she worked faithfully. I remember her working 3 jobs at once and still making it to our school performances and sports. I'm sure she was tired a lot but she didn't really show it. And she took me to church even though I didn't want to go and now all of her children know Christ!!!!! She encouraged all of us in our desires for our professions and sent all of us to 4 different types of college and we all have degrees thanks to her! I could go on and on, but, yeah...

...and now my mom and I are so close! It was hard when I moved to New Zealand for a year and I know it will be hard when I move back and/or somewhere else. I love and appreciate her!!

I should go tell her ;)

Random post, I know, but I though the world should know how much I love her!!!

June?

It's June already? When did that happen?

Apparently 2 days ago. Hmm...

Still looking for a job. Oh the joy of it. Not really. Wrote some in my New Zealand Memoirs... Did some artwork.

Most especially, I spent time with God. I've been really working hard on that. So far so good.

Today' s synopsis:

New Zealand???I don't know
Future??? I don't know
God??? 100% Amazing!

Take my breath away!

I am most seriously wowed by God today. He actually took my breath away.

I was reading Romans 3. Have a look. And then have another look. It's quite amazing. The scope of God's solution to the sin problem that separated us from God since the Garden of Eden...his law brought down by Moses to show us how sinful we really are...and that the law could never save us...and Jesus' death and Resurrection that spread outwards, both forwards and backwards in time to save many...and faith saves...and in believing Jesus the law is actually fulfilled...and God's justice...and his love. It's still floating around my head.

I just see that God really loves us and knows what he's doing.

And I am humbled.

The Book That Shall Begin

I think I'll start writing the book today.

Tiana and I once came up with the idea to write a travel memoir of our experiences in New Zealand - in the Bill Bryson style. Two sisters travelling together and the experience of culture shock and perseverance... very short chapters that sum each experience up in a 'lesson learned' type of way. Not sure I will be as funny and witty as Bill Bryson, but that never stopped me trying ;) What else am I supposed to do with all this unemployed time on my hands, besides looking for work of course.

Here goes...

Uncertainty, A Mighty Foe

I really miss writing on here...

Maybe I wouldn't be so stressed if I wrote things down more. I haven't written in my personal journal in a while either. Just found it today, underneath piles of piano and guitar music. I haven't practiced the guitar in at least a month to my shame. Piano has been more consistent but more an outlet for lamenting rather than learning new stuff or writing much new music. Again I am shamed.

A lots been going on and I'm sad to say that it isn't all good. But that's so negative so lets begin with the good things.

The good things include various friends getting married. Sokun & Mark! Kindel & Russ! Tiffany & Richard! Yay! Trees with leaves on them and more flowers!! No more winter hehe. Yay! And getting Family Force 5 tickets for July. Yay! And learning about the group "flyleaf" and their heart for God which is refreshing for a mainstream and quite weird and amazing group! I'm ever broadening the scope of types of music that I like. Our computer had 1,526 viruses and they have so embedded into the system that they all can't be destroyed. SO, I guess it's a good thing to get a new computer. A negative turning to a positive right? Yay! But most important...God is always good. He can't be not good. It's his nature to be good so yeah.


The past 2 weeks or so I've been having really bad headache's. And this week, since taking some new medication for another issue, I've been having headaches and dizziness. The meds said it could cause this but golly! Haven't been to the gym in a week because I haven't felt well in the mornings!!! So, I'm not in the best of spirits right now.

I've also been really missing New Zealand. Why, because I'm supposed to have all of the money I need together for NZ by the end of June. That's a month away. And there's still no job. And I'm depleting the money I've saved up for NZ over the past 6 months.

So.
I don't think I'll be going anywhere in August... The second blow to my heart.

So now what? I don't have a plan for anything. The jobs I'm applying for aren't jobs that I am considering for a career. Secretary? Receptionist? Not so much. My art is ... let's say this, I'm believing Satan's lies that I suck as an artist. I know it's not true, but there it is. My motivation for my art is a constant struggle everyday! I've been trying a lot of new techniques and for some strange reason, I'm afraid to play around. I want every piece to come out perfectly. I can't afford to make mistakes, but the dumb thing's that it's through the mistakes that I learn most.

The truth is. I'm unsatisfied with life right now. It feels like I don't have a specific purpose for what I'm supposed to do right now. Oh, with God I always have a purpose in life. I don't mean that. But I'm not sure what I supposed to be doing right now. I've been talking to God about it and praying that with this uncertain time, that he will just give me peace. Peace down to my very soul because it's where I'm struggling...in my heart of hearts.

Tiana and I had a nice long talk and pray about this yesterday. We've been back in America for over a year now yet we're still having culture shock. We've formed new friendship relationships and did the things that we knew would be good to re-adjust to being here and tried to settle back into life...and some things have gotten better...but it's so different now. So strange that we connect so well with some people in New Zealand and even after being home for a year now, it seems that we don't have the same depth of friendships here. And I miss the beach. And my church in New Zealand that feels more like a home church than when I'm "home."

The church I go to now, Gateway, is amazing. I love the messages and the music and people there are real cool y'know and the vision of the church to love God, live in community and serve the city is right up my alley... but I've been there 6 months and still feel like a stranger sometimes. A lot of times. I am involved in a growth group and help with powerpoint in the services so I've been trying to be involved. Gateway reaches out to the young professionals that live in the city, like, downtown IN the city and...I'm just not that type of person. Blackberry carrying, mac having, money making, schedule oriented, downtown living, I don't know. I don't mean it to sound negative, I just couldn't think of another way to say it. Y'know. The way that America says we're successful... That's just not my world. I don't come from the same kinda background the others I guess.

I could go on forever about other things in my life too but I've reached that point of over rambling on and on so now I need to be done.

Who am I to be so picky about things and to be so dissatisfied with what's going on in my life right now? Hasn't God blessed me with so much?

So in my heart of hearts I'm asking you Lord to give me purpose. And give me peace.

Till next time - not that anyone really reads this blog much aye.